With the Dem primarys complete today, I thought it would be timely to explain why Obama won; Victimhood Poker!
WHAT IS VICTIMHOOD POKER?
Victimhood Poker (VP) can trace its
roots all the way back to the admissions department at Harvard
University, where its constituent parts were invented back in 1978
following the U.S. Supreme Court's Bakke decision.
In the interest of fairness and in order circumvent arbitrary
admissions criteria such as scholastic performance and standardized
test scores, sociologists at Harvard devised a brilliant system of
using cards to assign a numerical value/ranking to applicants' physical features, sexual preference, religion, and/or gender.
By enabling the University to avoid making admissions judgments tinged
with ingrained and systemic Western racism/sexism/homophobia, the
card-based admissions system was a huge success and it soon spread to
other Ivy League schools such as Yale, Columbia, Brown, and Princeton.
By
1990, admissions in nearly all American universities were being decided
by mixing and matching the above-mentioned victimization cards, which,
not surprisingly, developed to represent the hierarchy of victimhood in
the mindset of progressives around the world.
One fateful day in
1996, a group of intoxicated freshman at the State University of New
York- Oneonta broke into that college's admissions office looking for
rolling papers and Doritos. Instead, they found the deck of
victimization cards. Unsure what they were or what to do with them, the
drunk freshmen stole the cards and took them back to their dorm. As
legend has it, later that night over a carton of Marlboro light
cigarettes and a case of warm Miller Genuine Draft, the freshman
engaged in the first ever game of Victimhood Poker.
The rest, as they say, is history......
[...]
CARD CLASSES AND RULES
There are 2 skin color cards (Black, White)
There are 4 ethnicity cards (Native American, Hispanic, Oriental, Hindu)
There are 2 gender cards (Female, Transformer)
There are 4 religion cards (Muslim, Non-Christian, Hindu, and Christian)
There are 2 economic class cards (Poor, Well Off)
There are 3 cards without a class (Gay, Handicapped, and Animal)
There are 4 Jokers (Christian, Well Off, White, and Straight)
The
winning hand combines the highest point total of each class of cards.
The winning hand may comprise of only ONE of each class; 5 cards are
initially dealt and the player chooses the most valuable cards to make
up the best possible victim. After the first 5 are dealt, bets are
taken and player can fold/raise as they choose.
After bets are taken, 3 community cards are dealt to the center of the table, not unlike Texas Hold 'em.
Obviously, the winner has the highest possible point total from the cards dealt between their hand and the community cards.
GAMEPLAY
For
example, lets say player 1 is dealt a hand of: Black (A), Transgender
(10), Non-Christian (4), Christian (Jo), Muslim (Q). Black, as an Ace,
has a value of 14 points, Muslim is worth 12, Transgender is worth 10,
Non-Christian is worth 4, and Christian, as a Joker, is valueless. To
make the winning hand, player 1 must choose between the three religion
cards but will obviously choose Muslim since Non-Christain is only
worth 4 points and Christian is a Joker.
Thus, the most victimized hand player 1 can assemble from the cards he's been dealt is a Transgendered Gay Black Muslim, which is worth 45 points total.
Now,
lets say player 2 receives a hand of American Indian (K), Hispanic (Q),
Oriental (7), Handicapped (6), Female (8). Since American Indian,
Hispanic, and Oriental are all ethnicities, only ONE can be chosen of
the bunch. Player 2 is compelled to choose American Indian, since it is
a King and thus bears the value of 13 points versus Hispanic (11
points) or Oriental (7 points). Female and Handicapped, however, can
now be added to the mix because Female is of the gender class and
Handicapped has no card class. Thus, the best possible victim player 2
can assemble from the first round of cards is a Handicapped American Indian Woman, which bears a point total of 27 points.
Since a Gay Black Transgendered Muslim is worth 45, it easily trumps player 2's victim of a Handicapped Female Native American.
Now
let's say player 3 receives a hand of Poor (2), Poor (2), Hispanic (Q),
Hindu (3), and Straight (Jo). Even though player 3 has received 2 poor
cards, he can only play only ONE because no card can be played twice.
The best possible victim player 3 can achieve is a Poor Hispanic,
since Hispanic and Hindu, as ethnicities, are exclusive of one another.
A Poor Hispanic is worth only 13 points, which is far surpassed by a
Black Transgendered Muslim and a Handicapped Native American Woman.
Finally,
player 4 receives a hand of Black, American Indian, Muslim,
Transgendered and Gay. This is the most valuable 5 card hand in the
game of Victimhood Poker, and is commonly referred to as a Brown University Bash. A Brown U. Bash is worth a whopping 58 points, since a Gay Transgendered Black Native American Muslim is the best initial victim possible in the game...
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